Doubts

I don't know what this is

But I'm aware of the darkness

In our fucking hearts

Trying to fulfill it with something unspoken

With no name and no vision of a future

I fear that when there's no ground 

To put my feet on

What's left is thin air

Making me fall apart

Where am I jumping to?

What lies below?

I see you and I wanna be yours

Because I see myself there

Or the imagine of my projections

That might not see the light of day

When I tell you

I want us to be real

And you tell me just to let things be

I wanna do that, I just don't know how

So it makes me meltdown inside

While I tell myself everything is fine

It's all worth it

Just let me enjoy it while I can

I see you and you seem to be

All I've ever asked for

All the fucking details

I've been fantasizing

My entire love life

So how to handle your absence?

How to move on if things end?

How can I replace someone like you?

What do I do not to sabotage it?

Should I say it once more with feelings

Or just silence myself and let it go?

And I fear the path

I've experienced the fall

So many times

I'm familiar with the broken pieces

I've been collecting them

All along my way

Trying to glue them together

They're just getting smaller

I can see them becoming dust

Floating through air

Leaving parts of me behind

And if I fall again

And reach the rocks

I might become a version of myself

With bigger scars and lost dreams

Bitter and shutting my feelings down

I can envision myself

Having to cope with rejection

Filling my days with routine

Repeating the same things

Over and over again

Not daring to think

No fun, no love, just survival mode

I can almost feel it 

Reaching the tip of my fingers

Pulling me down

I can hear it, full of silence

Subtly filling my mind with doubts

Questioning everything

Suffocating love words

Agonizing with the non-spoken things

You used to say before

Words I wanna hear you say

Words I wanna say

But I fear telling you them

And see you drifting away

How to walk towards the cliff

Knowing there's no ground bellow

But deep dark water? 

Should I just walk the other way around

Being at peace with my solitude?

Or should I just dive in and drawn

Knowing I might never reach the surface again?

But I want to go deeper in you

I wanna be lost inside

I wanna belong

I wanna stay

I'm tired of diving

And being carried away by the waves

To the dry sand burning my feet

I'm tired of having to swim my way out

After floating shallow water

I want you so bad to be mine

I keep hearing this in my mind

Louder and louder

And it freaks me out

Because your words announce me some other language

An empty agreement

Nothingness

A non-future with no guarantees

Something I don't know how to handle

So may I just collect my shit and walk away

Before it's too late for me?

Or should I let time show me what the future holds

When there's no promise of anything

But just living the extraordinary now?

And what do I want after all?

I want someone who can make me feel so good

In a certain way

I know I'm just supposed to stay

No matter what

I want safety, clarity

I want things to just click

And I feel they do now

I wanna wake up aware I can just relax

Because I know, I just know

We're meant to be

I'd really like that person to be you

I feel that, I wanna believe that

Can you be my person?

Priscila de Athaides - 24/01/2022